The Long List of Things That Suck.

I’m editing photographs I took of you.

you are absolutely captivating.
you are so handsome it makes me catch my breath.
you are so beautiful it breaks my heart.

…

love,
d.

1. i spent my entire drive home from work thinking, if there were an award for “stupidest girl in the world,” i’d get it.  odd that i’d hop on my computer and see your own similar train of thought.   

2. you’ve referred to your girl in n.y. as Glynn.  presuming she is the same glynn as on the facebook friend section of your profile, her first name is laura.  mookie’s real name is laura.  and when we spoke on monday, she said she is potentially moving to brooklyn, of all places, for the winter, before returning to provincetown next summer.  i think they’d make a killer pair. 

3. i’m presently mid-meltdown myself, and i want it to be clear that i’m not so lame as to be this affected by the issue of one-week-you.  contrarily, it has resurfaced everything about mookie leaving me (yay baggage!!), specifically about my worry that the world has decided for some reason unbeknowst to me that i don’t deserve to have love in my life.   

4. no one has ever cut things off with me for anything having to do with me.  so i believe w/o issue it’s not me it’s you, and i don’t think this could have ended any other way- i’d make a great girlfriend, but for someone else.  it’s a curse. 

5. i knew when you texted sunday about your conversation that you wouldn’t want to see me again, at least not “like that,” that’s why i responded by asking about not wanting to see me again.  a few days is hardly the tip of an emotional iceberg. 

6. according to you, you owe me dinner.  i’ll let that slide karmically if you could please tell me that either a. you didn’t really like me as a person, i was just a potential conquest and thus you have no desire to hang out, ever, or b. you too enjoyed our conversations as you originally stated, and you’d like to contemplate hanging casually when you feel a little more emotionally stable. 

7. i’m all done.  the fact that this is the second email to you and that i tried messaging you without response is far more effort than i generally invest in attempting to get someone’s attention. as i said before we met, i have no history of being a stalker, and i sure as fuck am not starting now.  which leads me to: 

8. i walked the long way to the shoe store on monday to avoid passing your block.  should you deign to not get back to me at all, can you at least tell me when you move so i don’t have to indefinitely reroute my shopping trips for fear of seeming creepy? 

best,

Renee